Porn Star Language: It's a Gym Thing!

'Yeah, you know you're a bad thing'

The signs inside the Naval base gym read, 'No offensive language or shouting'!

So, while attempting to pedal away every last inch of junk food I'd shoveled into my mouth over the course of this past week, I heard an odd gabble of words that landed my eyes right on treadmill man at 11:00 o'clock.

A grunted gabble, abnormal even for the hoards of sweat hogs that usually strut their stuff in tighter than tight t-shirts and shorter than Richard Simmons shorts.


At first, I dismissed it as simple 'self-encouragement' but then the gabble of words became more definite, each tread more erect as such, until every other, what felt like seconds, my bleeding ears were dominated with 'Yeah, you know you want it' followed by a hearty, I'm gonna get you good'!

Ah, does this douche bag know that he's talking dirty to a treadmill?  I can only, but aggh don't want to, imagine what this guy is like behind closed doors!

Luckily for me, he worked that treadmill like never before, right before my and a newly clicked in eye-rolling fan base.  I felt embarrassed, mostly for him, but also for me intruding on this guy's intimate moment with, let me reiterate...a treadmill!

I wondered if in fact I'd stepped onto a porn set.  Naturally, being a military gym, the buff, brawn and bravado is everywhere but after that, I kindly wondered if management should consider either dimming the lights and adding a touch of sax (not sex), or revising the signs to accommodate and detour some, lets just say 'dominating' sweaters.

And, then today, while pushing weights I hear, VERY LOUDLY echoing throughout the room, 'Yeah, you know you're a bad thing' followed by 'Come on work me'.  Are you f*cking kidding me right now?  Surely this was the same dude back for some more metal lovin' right?  Nope!  Dude number two although equally as tight shirted and shorted, but somewhat better looking, was definitely not the same dude.   This guy, in all fairness was good, I mean despite the circumstances, he really showed that machine, 'Who's your Daddy!

I'm all for self-encouragement and pushing through the pain while working out but for f*ck sake, getting it on all 'dirty-like' with machinery and, without warning forcing me to listen, that's just not on.  Despite never wanting to hear amateur action in that environment ever again, it was, I have to say somewhat bloody hilarious.

So, thank you Buck Treadwood and Pecs Heavy for making me vomit inside my mouth, laugh, and, for ending my workout sessions prematurely.

I can't imagine this to be a one off, reserved only for my ears...surely?  

Crikey!